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[personal profile] freeling
Stranger in a strange land.

Cold, blue, bright, no up and no down. There was no sense of any of the cardinal directions either. I didn’t know that’s what they were called back then, I still routinely got my left and my right confused. I was only five. I just knew that I constantly felt like I’d been playing on my sit-and-spin. Dizzy. Confused. Scared out of my mind.

Being pulled in so many directions, thoughts and feelings where just as concrete there as the floor and ceiling are here. It was chaos. I wasn’t the only one confused and out of sorts, they all were. Everyone. Everyone but him. Oh, no…he always knew. He knew and he lied, pretended to be as mixed up as the rest of us so we’d trust him. Oh, how he lied. But back then, there, I believed him. He made sense. He told me he was a friend.

If you want a physical location, this place? The best I can give you is “in my house in Cuesta Verde”. I can even take you to the street but there’s nothing there now. An empty lot and a chain-link fence. The excavation has even been filled in, that was done years ago. But I wasn’t exactly in the house, not in the way that you or I are sitting in our homes right now. I was sort of between. Between what? That’s where this gets kooky.

I was between the living and the dead, I guess religious people might call it purgatory. It was sort of a weigh station, a transitory place between life and after-life. Some people talk about it, this great bright light. You know, the ones who have near-death experiences: almost drowned, maybe they crashed in the OR on the table and were brought back, people in bad accidents, coma patients. They aren’t crazy or hallucinating, they’ve just gotten to experience a small glimpse of the next state of consciousness. Where we go when we leave our bodies behind.

Almost.

It’s a strange place. It isn’t the next place, it’s just where you go to get there. Or that’s how it is supposed to be, but he kept them there. Didn’t let them leave and go on. It made them scared and confused, angry and sad. And he fed on that. On them. But not me. I was there to keep them there. They thought I was the light, I was where they needed to go.

But again, I was five and I didn’t understand. I only knew what he told me. And then I heard my mother’s voice and I stopped believing him. I wasn’t supposed to be there…

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freeling

November 2008

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